Big feelings come with big transits

I have been overstimulated, undernourished, and living in what feels like a delusional state of being. My focus is splintered and my spirit has been draining because of it. I have lost control over my creative energy and have instead become a compulsive consumer of social media, of the news, of cannabis, of processed food, and of anything that distracts and disorients me. I still struggle with the falling out of a cherished relationship at the end of last year. I have become disconnected from the things I once saw myself becoming: a professional portrait photographer, an innovative graphic designer, a printed media artist. My mind has been constantly rushing with new ideas or creative ambitions I could be doing, but I become so overwhelmed by my own thought processes that I shut down and don’t achieve anything and slip into escapism. Friendships have faded out of my life and my desire to connect with people from my past has all but vanished. My sense of identity has never felt grounded in reality and I’ve had a tendency to put labels on myself so I could be somewhat understood by others, or rather so I could understand myself. But then I begin to feel restricted by the labels I claim, like photographer, like artist, like designer, and like budding astrologer. They begin to feel like someone else and not me. I’m overly sensitive in a world that puts people down for being sensitive. You’re too sensitive was often a phrase weaponized against me as a child, so of course I learned to keep to myself and develop my own rich inner world.

So why am I sharing these private struggles of mine? It’s not because I need warm wishes. It’s because my mental, emotional, and spiritual struggles are not mine, they are humanity’s. My problems are everybody’s problems — fear, loneliness, and being misunderstood. Mine are just unique to my Life. Yours are unique to your Life, but we are all alive together in the here and now.

I’m not writing this out of desire, I’m writing this out of need. I need to write this to release this. I need to be vulnerable and open so that I can make room for what needs to be let in. And so do you, some way and some how. Being vulnerable can be a gift to others, sometimes the most powerful gift we can give. It’s the spiritual work that we all have to do. If we want to extinguish the evils of the world and the evils from within, we need to be more open with each other, more compassionate for those we don’t know or understand, less fearful of our insecurities, more adaptive to change, and more honest with ourselves.

About a year and a half ago I noticed a particular astrological transit that was going to hit my natal chart in a peculiar way. It ended up only being one part of an entire confluence of transits that would wreak havoc on my life. But I looked at this one particular transit, Saturn moving over my natal Sun, and had the existential thought, am I going to die? The dramatic fatalism was totally unnecessary and I would never say this to anyone else while looking at their chart. I’m not a good predictor of these things. But without a doubt, yes, I have had a spiritual Death and have been struggling to adapt.

Without an understanding of astrology as a deeper framework for my Life in its totality, I would consider myself broken. But humans can’t be broken because we’re not machines. Humans are Nature, the cosmic antennae of the planet. We receive, transmute, and transmit energy. The body is a vessel for the Soul’s journey and our emotions and pain whip us into alignment with our Purpose. My pain and suffering isn’t unfair, it’s Life trying to get me to commit to it. Understanding your Moon sign is one of the best ways to understand how you process emotions through challenging times.

The utmost challenge I’ve faced throughout my Life is a persistent and undesired compulsion to suppress my Self, my desires, and my drive. I don’t think I’ve actually ever fulfilled anything to my Soul’s fullest potential because of these hidden feelings of shame that always arise within me. Why? I don’t know. I’m just wired this way. It’s karma, family lineage, conditioning; it’s a whole recipe that makes me me and you you. I’ve subconsciously blocked my own unique power and overcoming these blocks are part of my Life’s Purpose. Maybe I was a fame-hungry egomaniac in my past Life and my karmic lessons in this Life are to work through the shadows of existence. I don’t know for sure, but maybe I will when my time for the Big Sleep arrives.

I have to write this because I have to confront this and let it move through me. Our society is so fucking fractured and so many of us hide our struggle so deeply because we’ve come to believe that we are alone in our pain. I hate the state of the world we live in but I also love this world so much because I can see its potential. I am so lucky to have the spiritual and astrological insight into my own suffering and I’m so grateful to experience the pain of transforming into a new way of experiencing Life. By being open in this way I experience less worry and it allows me to surrender to the unknown. But I have also been an agent of prolonging my own inner suffering by clinging onto an old set of laws that dictate my present experience. I have a tendency to be so incredibly self-aware yet fail to embody the change I so clearly see happening through me.

Astrologically, here is how my chart is being affected by the current transits: Pluto is currently conjunct my natal Mars and Venus in my 12th house. Saturn and Neptune conjunct in Aries are opposing my Moon in Libra. Uranus, which just moved into Gemini, is completing a grand air trine with my Moon in Libra and my Mars in Aquarius. Jupiter in Cancer happens to be my Jupiter return, which is the silver lining of all of this. I want to get into the meaning of all of this for you, but for now I just need to write about my Real Human Emotions. Since the easiest way for me to describe all of this to anyone is through the astrology of it, it’s been particularly difficult to open up to others and articulate what seems to be a profound spiritual transformation.

I have started writing several posts over the last few weeks, but have failed to complete any of them because I couldn’t grasp an ounce of focused willpower. So instead you can get this healthy dose of my feelings because, well, I’m a fucking Pisces, I’m sensitive, and that’s how I propel myself through this Life. What’s propelling you?

Until next time,~Ry